You know what? Sometimes life is super hard. Sometimes I feel like life is like hitting a pinata. We're blindfolded, dizzy and just trying to hit the bajeebers out of the giant deformed Dora made of paper machet and filled with candy! Often times we find ourselves feeling like we are swinging aimlessly because we cannot see what we're swinging at. I believe that when we feel this way, it is because we do not understand that God has a plan for us individually or trust in that plan. President McKee demonstrated this perfeclty when he showed us this illustration:
We don't see the big picture, but Heavenly Father sure does. We need to learn to trust in His plan. Heavenly Father has found many ways to help me understand that He has a plan for me even though I don't have a clear vision of what that plan is a lot of the time. My mission has been a HUGE way that He has taught me this.....
About 3 years ago, after coming back to church, I was stuck in a part of my life where I had all of this ambition and motivation to do something great with my life but I couldn't figure out what exactly that was. I prayed for months about whether I should go back to school, go do a program abroad get married and etc etc. It wasn't until one day in the temple that I received the strong prompting that I needed to serve a mission. I was SO excited at first because it just made perfect sense. Then as a little time went by, I began to worry about the timing. I was only 24 but I had a hard time trusting that I would have time to go to school and get married and have a family if I went and served for 18 months. (I know it sounds ridiculous now!)
Even with those worries, I still felt like I needed to go so I went forward and put my papers in February 13th 2012. My Bishop called me that day to tell me that they were in and I shouted for joy but then I had a funny feeling that I shouldn't get too excited. Everyone in my family and circle of friends was ecstatic and I even made a poster board of everyone's guesses of where I would serve. Well a few weeks went by and nothing came in the mail. I received a call in March from the Stake secretary telling me that my stake president needed to meet with me. In that moment, I knew what was coming but I knew that Heavenly Father had prepared me for it. I had to wait over a week to meet with President Wilkinson and every day killed me because I just wanted to hear him say what I already knew. Well, the next Sunday rolled around and I found myself sitting in his office around noon. He told me that the mission headquarters had sent him a letter asking him to share the news with me in a kind and loving way but he decided to just read their letter to me instead, which I really appreciated. My heart began to ache as he read, telling me that they didn't feel comfortable giving me a call at that time because of some silly things I had done in my past but that if I remained faithful and valiant, I could resubmit my papers in 6 months. I handled it surprisingly well and kind of just felt a little too okay with it as I shook his hand goodbye afterwards and walked back to my car. I remember driving home and just sitting in my house alone trying to process everything. I promised myself and my Heavenly Father that I would do everything I could in the next 6 months to remain worthy to go. But, as the days passed and I thought more about it, I started to feel upset and angry with what had happened.
If I was already worried about timing then, imagine how nervous I was with 6 more months added to that! There was one day in particular that I was really feeling sorry for myself and I was upset with Heavenly Father. Didn't He know that I didn't have time to waste?! Didn't He know that I needed to go on a mission at that specific time if I was going to be able to fit everything else into my life? As I was swallowed up in those selfish thoughts, a song came on the radio that completely changed my perspective. The Rolling Stones sweetly told me....
No, you can't always get what you want
No, you can't always get what you want
No, you can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime, you just might find
You get what you need
Nothing else could have spoken to my heart more clearer than this song! I finally realized that I wasn't always going to get what I want and when I want it, but I would ALWAYS get what I need. Heavenly Father knows us, He knows what will ultimately make us happy and He will ALWAYS give us what we need to make us happy in the long run, not just for a moment. Those extra 6 months I had to prepare ended up being some of the most amazing and important 6 months of my life. That summer, I met some of my bestest best best friends and I also successfully started to pursue my dream of selling vintage dresses. I was able to have more time with the family I was nannying for and with my own family as well. Most of all, I learned some really important things that I needed to learn to be better prepared for my mission.
I finally received my call to the Tennessee Nashville Mission on November 9th and it was one of the happiest days of my life. I reported to the MTC January 16th 2013. When I look back on these incredible 18 months of my mission, I KNOW that this is the exact time I needed to be here. I needed to be serving at this specific time for my companions, areas, missionaries I've served with and my mission presidents. Most of all, I was supposed to be here for the people I was able to serve and share the gospel with. These people have completely changed my life and I will never forget the sacred experiences I have had with each and every one of them. I know I would have missed out on a lot of these experiences if I had left 6 months earlier.
My mission has meant EVERYTHING to me, every single second and I completely trust and believe that God has even more great things planned for me after this. I know a lot of hard things are going to come my way but that's okay because I know that I can get through anything and that all can be made right through Jesus Christ.
When we can understand that our life is waaaaay bigger than our little perspective, we are more at peace with everything and we will find more JOY. We must trust God more and His plan and His timing for us. If you ever find yourself feeling like things aren't going the way you hoped they would, just remember that with God,you're not always going to get what you want BUT you'll always get what you need! I testify that God loves us, we are His children and He will always take care of His children.
So one of the MANY blessings I have received from my mission is being introduced to the Nashville Tribute Band! I absolutely love their music and am grateful for the time they have taken to write and compose songs that truly bring the Spirit into our hearts. There's a song by them called "A Letter Home" that has a special place in my heart. Some of the word are:
In a letter home you saved me
How'd you know that I just wasn't right?
You gave me the words to break free
From thousands of miles, you saved my life
In a letter home...
The first time I heard this song, I was serving in Paducah Ky with my companion Hermana Ihler and I cried like a baby. The words of the song rang so true to my own personal experience that I actually thought, "I don't remember writing this song!" I would like to share my own sacred story of how some one's mission and their letter home to me completely changed my life......
As I've mentioned in previous blogs, I was raised in the church but fell away in my youth and spent many years living outside of the gospel. During this whole time, my little brother was preparing to serve a mission throughout his youth by staying true to his baptismal covenants, striving to remain a worthy Aaronic Priesthood holder, getting his Eagle Scout and always finding someone to serve. Sure he had his crazy moments like getting caught throwing oranges at cars or accidentally getting accused of grand theft auto, but he always had his sights on doing what was right. He was the one in my family who knew the most of the messes I was getting myself into but he always showed me nothing but charity as he loved me but also would kindly tell me that I was better than the things I was doing. He has always been more of a big brother to me than a little one.
In the fall of 2010, the same time my brother received his call to serve in the Villahermosa Mexico mission, I felt a pull to come back to church, to start praying and reading my scriptures again. Something about my brother leaving us for 2 years for something he believed, really got me thinking and it was one of the reasons I began to come back. Right before my brother left in February 2011 is when I finally met with my Bishop and got back on the right path. The week my brother was set apart and ready to report to the MTC, we had a moment alone and I shared with him how I had seen my Bishop and was really trying to change. I'll never forget what he shared with me after he shared his love and support, he asked if I was taking the sacrament and when I said no, he told me that it should be the most important thing that I do at that time. I never really saw the sacrament as something important at that point in my testimony and will be forever grateful for my brother who gave me that guidance so that I could have that desire to make that a priority. The month after he left is when I was found worthy again to partake of the sacrament and it was such an incredible and monumental moment in my life.
That's when things began to be really really hard. Coming back to church was the hardest thing I have ever done because the adversary was doing everything he possibly could to keep me from staying on the right path. I had many nights when I would just cry and cry because all I wanted to do was pick up the phone and call my brother to hear his loving encouragement. There was one week in particular, when my brother was finishing his time in the MTC that I REALLY needed to hear from him. I begged my mom to mention it to him in his emails and would call her everyday to tell her that I had received nothing in the mail from him. He promised me that he had written me but everyday when I would run to check the mail after work, my heart drop when I didn't have anything addressed from him. There was one day in particular that I was struggling to the point that when I checked my mailbox once again to find nothing, I collapsed on the floor in my apartment and began to cry my eyes out. It was in that moment that I had the thought to check my junk mail. I quickly disregarded it, telling myself that there is NO way I would have misplaced his letter in the junk mail pile. I had that thought come again and decided that it wouldn't hurt to check, I was desperate at this point. When I began to flip through the coupons and fake checks for $5,000, my heart jumped out of my chest when I saw his handwriting on a white envelope. I know that Heavenly Father saved it for me to read at that exact moment. That letter completely changed my life.
I had written my brother previously that I was searching for my purpose at that time and what I needed to do, I added that I was considering doing WOOF and going to Iceland to work on an organic farm there. The respond from my brother completely changed how I was seeing things.
He started his letter off by sharing with me that he had fasted and prayed for me on his PDay and went into the temple seeking guidance from our Heavenly Father on my behalf. Just this alone melted my heart- the fact that instead of fasting and praying for himself or for his companion or for the people he would soon be teaching, that he was fasting for me. It caused me to truly feel the love of my Savior. He continued his words with boldness as he shared with me the answer that he received, "To be frank Haley, Heavenly Father does not need you in some random place in the world picking fruit, He has greater plans for you than that. He has need of you in a different vineyard." He shared a scripture that he was guided to in the temple that morning in D&C 75:2-3 that reads: " Hearken, O ye who have given your names to go forth to proclaim my gospel, and to prune my vineyard. Behold, I say unto you that it is my will that you should go forth and not tarry, neither be idle but labor with your might." He very lovingly told me that The Lord needed my help in His vineyard and that my testimony, that I was still developing, needed to be shared with others. At that moment, I didn't completely understand what that meant but I felt like through my loving brother, I received the guidance and peace I needed.
It wasn't until a few months later as I was sitting in the temple that I understood perfectly what Heavenly Father tried to tell me through my brother's letter. I received the clearest revelation that I have ever received that The Lord needed me and was asking me to serve a mission. I immediately thought of my brother's words and how Heavenly Father had prepared me to receive this call. I'll never forget the joy I felt when I was able to email my brother and tell him of my decision to serve and his enthusiastic reply back. I'll never forget him writing, "Why didn't we think of this sooner??!" After making the decision to serve, I ran into a lot of obstacles and a lot of bumps in the road and my brother's emails always gave me the strength to persevere and continue in this "great cause."
I know with all of my heart and soul, that my brother's service and sacrifice to Jesus Christ blessed and changed my life. I know that every faithful missionary brings their families blessings whether or not they may see them right away. Through a letter home, and many many emails, my brother and his mission saved me and kept me going on my path back to my Savior.
This is the day that I said goodbye to my brother as we dropped him off at the MTC February 16th of 2011, not knowing that we would be saying goodbye for more than two years.
I entered the MTC January 16th of 2013 to serve in the Tennessee Nashville Mission (SP) and my first week in the mission field was my brother's last one in Mexico. It's been really hard not seeing him for 3 1/2 years and knowing that I won't see him until Christmas because the little punk leaves to go back to BYU Hawaii 5 days before I return home! It already breaks my heart to know that when I step off the plane next week, I won't see his face, but, I look forward to the day when we meet again and experience a similar joy that Alma and his brethren felt as they were reunited...
"And it came to pass that as Ammon was going forth into the land, that he and his brethren met Alma, over in the place of which has been spoken; and behold, this was a joyful meeting.
Now the joy of Ammon was so great even that he was full; yea, he was swallowed up in the joy of his God, even to the exhausting of his strength; and he fell again to the earth.
Now was not this exceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of happiness." Alma 27:16-18
I testify that the Savior loves each and every one of us. How grateful I will forever be for His example of service to us and our Father as He came here to suffer for our sins and overcome death. I am grateful for His "letter" to us that can be found in the scriptures, words of His modern day prophets and through the gentle and loving feelings of the Spirit. One cannot look at His divine mission and say that missions don't change lives. Surely, His changed our lives and our destinies forever.
